


Entropy increases and things fall apart

by kimchispaghetti (soondubu)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2019-09-13 06:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16887534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soondubu/pseuds/kimchispaghetti
Summary: Jongin had been looking forward to an uneventful freshman year with his best friend Sehun. What he got was Joonmyun. (western high school au)





	Entropy increases and things fall apart

**Author's Note:**

> Other warnings include: underage drinking and drug use, and Lu Han being a tad creepier than I remembered writing him. There is _no_ sex in this fic.
> 
> Originally submitted for the 2013 round of LJ's runandgun, for user perfect_key. Title paraphrased from _Looking for Alaska_ by John Green.

A heavy, humid breeze breathed through Sehun's bedroom window. His mother had invited Jongin to stay for dinner despite the way dirt clung to his knees and sweat to his bangs after spending so many hours chasing a soccer ball beneath the hot August sun with his best friend. "I guess we should probably wash up before dinner," Jongin said.

Sehun was sitting beside him on the bed. Jongin's feet laid flat on the hardwood floor while Sehun's legs were now too long to let him kick them how he'd always liked. He clumsily shuffled his socked feet back and forth across the boards instead.

"You can borrow some of my clothes, if you want. My mom can put yours in the wash."

"Thanks." Jongin tried to remember if his family had plans tomorrow or if it would be all right for him to stay the night at Sehun's.

"Only two more weeks," Sehun said, "and then we're high schoolers."

"Yeah."

"Do you think—" Sehun started. He paused to wet his lips, then tried again. "Are you scared?"

"No." Jongin turned to look at his friend, eyes hooded and gaze soft. "What's there to be scared about?"

"I mean...it's different."

"Of course it's different. That's the point. What good would it do if it was just like middle school?"

"I guess." Sehun stared at his shuffling feet. Off in the distance, a cicada buzzed. "Do you think we'll get girlfriends this year?"

Jongin blinked, watching Sehun's face. One corner of his mouth slowly turned up in a smirk. "Do you want one?"

"No."

He was both unsurprised and a little relieved. "Then no."

Sehun looked up from his feet and narrowed his eyes at Jongin. "I'm sure you'll—"

"I don't want one."

Sehun dropped his gaze to his lap. His tongue was wet and pink when it darted between his lips, swiping once before retreating back into his mouth. It held Jongin's attention just long enough for Sehun to creep his hand across the bed and lay it over his.

"Sehun."

"What?"

" _Sehun._ "

" _What._ "

"Look at me."

"Why?"

"Because."

Slowly, Sehun did, teeth sunk so deep into his bottom lip his tan skin was yellow-white from the pressure.

Jongin licked his lips and asked, "What do you want if you don't want a girlfriend?"

Sehun let go of his lip, and it began to bloom a deep rose from the worrying. "Something else."

There was another breath of pause, and then too much spit when Sehun's lips met Jongin's. Both mouths were wet with their own saliva, and both tongues were too eager for new tastes. They kissed as if they were too afraid to stop, too afraid of After. Jongin knew to keep his mouth soft, his jaw lax, from overhearing too many conversations between his sisters about all of the lousy kissers they'd encountered. But Sehun didn't have sisters; he only had hormones that told him he'd been waiting for this for too long to let any opportunity slip by. Jongin could feel the desperation in Sehun's mouth and tongue and roaming hands, and it frightened him more than the threat of After. He decided he wasn't yet ready to blur the line of their friendship after all. His hand pushed gently against Sehun's shoulder, trying to ease him back. The sound of Sehun's mother calling up the stairs helped.

Sehun gasped when they finally broke, drinking in air in gulps. Jongin surreptitiously wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. The room was even hotter than before. A trickle of sweat trailed down the side of Jongin's face, tickling his skin but not enough to bother him. Sehun was covered in goosebumps, though, despite how red his face was. "Is it cool if I shower first?" Sehun said, once he'd caught his breath.

Jongin nodded once, and kept his eyes trained on his friend as he went to find clothes for them both. The front of his shorts was noticeably tented, maybe just because Sehun tried so hard to hide it, tugging the hem of his shirt down in a way that wasn't casual enough. He didn't turn around as he threw a clean t-shirt and pair of shorts toward the bed. The t-shirt fell shy and hit the floor instead. "I'll come get you after," Sehun said.

Jongin watched Sehun go. Once he heard the bathroom door shut, he went to pick up the shirt.

~ ~ ~

As it turned out, there was nothing to really be afraid of. High school was just like middle school: everyone ignored them. Jongin made a mild effort to argue that it wasn't that big of a surprise, but Sehun was genuinely put out by it. It was probably because he'd grown so tall over the summer and he seemed to think that would magically change everything. Still, Jongin's resolution on the subject didn't lessen the sting of discovering they only shared Algebra. Even lunch periods would be spent alone.

"Is this seat taken?" a voice chirped, and Jongin looked up blandly, meatloaf halfway to his mouth and dripping gravy back onto his plate. He was seated by himself at an otherwise empty table. It was hard to tell if the guy smiling at him was being polite or stupid. Jongin decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"No."

The guy's smile brightened, and set his tray down across from him before sitting. "I'm Baekhyun."

Jongin hesitated before returning the introduction with an almost inaudible "Jongin" and stuffed his mouth full of meatloaf. Baekhyun was unperturbed.

"So which middle school did you come from? I went to Arbor—"

"Harassing freshmen already, Baekhyun?" came a new voice. Jongin looked up warily and frankly a little bothered at that point, but froze when he saw the speaker's face. Standing beside Baekhyun was the most handsome person he'd ever seen in his life. Dark brown hair, white skin, and a face so open Jongin wondered if he even knew how to lie. His smile was a perfect row of square white teeth framed by pink lips that weren't too thick, weren't too thin, and it travelled all the way up to his eyes, trying to scrunch them into half-moons.

"I'm not _harassing_ him," Baekhyun said testily. "He looked lonely. We're making friends, right, Jongin?" Baekhyun smiled hopefully at him; Jongin barely managed an ambiguous nod. "So either sit down or go have lunch with the other mathletes."

Baekhyun's friend laughed and sat down beside him. "I'm Joonmyun." Jongin might have been able to muster up another murmur of his name if he wasn't staring into the face of an angel.

"Jongin's not much of a talker," Baekhyun said, mouth full of mashed potatoes.

"That doesn't mean much coming from you."

"Hey!"

"And swallow your food before talking. Jeez."

Jongin gave the quietest of chuckles, but quickly turned his face back towards his tray to pretend he hadn't. "So you _can_ smile!" Baekhyun said, obviously more happy than he was surprised. "Quick, Joon, insult me again and maybe we'll get him to really laugh."

But Joonmyun didn't have to. Jongin laughed just at the suggestion, the sound embarrassing him enough to bring a slight flush to his cheeks. When he dared to look up from his food, Joonmyun was watching him with a soft smile.

Jongin felt his face catch fire. He hardly looked up for the rest of lunch.

~ ~ ~

Jongin had resigned himself to a quiet freshman year. He figured he and Sehun would make a few new friends from other middle schools, but things would otherwise stay the same. He had neglected to take into account the obvious, though: Sehun could talk Jongin into almost anything. Ever since they were children, if Sehun whined enough Jongin would go along, usually just to shut him up. This year was no different; the game had changed a little but the rules were always the same. So, Jongin simply played the role he knew best, following along to keep an eye on him while Sehun collected friends—and more than a few female admirers. It didn't escape Jongin's notice that the only time he humoured them with some light flirting was between classes, when he could keep a friendly arm slung around Jongin's shoulders. Still, Jongin went along with all of Sehun's plans, even the ones that involved their (Sehun's) new friends Chanyeol and Jongdae, who from day one had proven they were was not a duo to be trusted. They were all right guys, but even as juniors they had a penchant for mischief that outdid even Sehun. Jongin had to marvel at the way, week after week, the two of them miraculously avoided suspension, and only managed to end up in detention once because Chanyeol was still learning there was no way to muffle his increasingly deeper baritone voice.

It wasn't all mayhem, at least not when he could get away from the Three Musketeers, but even on the milder side things were changing. Jongin's (and, consequently, Sehun's) life before Baekhyun and after Baekhyun were noticeably different in many small ways (for one, he now laughed much more often), and one very, very big way: Joonmyun.

Sehun was thrilled with their growing popularity, even if it was probably mostly because of their association with Joonmyun. In such a large school, it was impossible to be truly well-known, yet Joonmyun managed to defy the odds. He'd been class president for three years, and was basically guaranteed to make that four. He had just enough charm to offset his occasional cockiness and make you question whether he really thought he was hot shit or if it was all just a game. Teachers adored him (probably because he was a genius), and Sehun's tiny fan club paled in comparison to the following Joonmyun had. Almost every single day for the first month of school he had a new note in his locker—pink or covered in hearts or smelling of vanilla cupcakes—and they slowed to a more modest twice a week after that. Yet despite the volume, he treated all of them the same way: He read them twice, then carefully tucked them into whichever binder he had on hand. He'd once explained to Jongin that he kept all of them, even the ones from middle school, because someone had put their time and energy into writing them and had worked up the courage to deliver them. Jongin had wanted to ask if he'd ever pursued any of them, but Joonmyun had thrown him for a loop when he'd mused aloud about the handful of cologne-scented letters he'd gotten, too. Joonmyun changed the subject too quickly after that for Jongin to react.

When the end of the first semester was upon them, Jongin was a little sad about it. There would be two whole weeks without lunch with Joonmyun, which, he was reluctant to admit, had become the brightest spot of his days. Even more than the end of the day. Even more than Algebra with Sehun. It was nothing short of a miracle, then, when on the last day of classes before winter break, Joonmyun presented him and Baekhyun with small white envelopes at lunch. Baekhyun received three, while Jongin was handed two, one addressed to him and the other to Sehun.

"You know, you could just ask us," Baekhyun said, stuffing the envelopes into his backpack without even glancing at them. Jongin's gaze jumped between them until Joonmyun encouraged him to open his with a small nod of his head.

"It's proper etiquette," he explained to Baekhyun over the sound of tearing paper. "Something I've evidently failed to teach you anything about these past two years."

Inside the tiny envelope was a card printed with gold script: _5...4...3...2..._ On the reverse, it continued the countdown with a joke that almost had Jongin rolling his eyes. He didn't doubt Baekhyun would have, and probably accompanied it with a groan of disapproval, too. _Admit 1!_ Below the gold script title was a neat black font listing a date, time, and place for a New Year's Eve party. At the very bottom was a phone number to RSVP to.

"Can you come?" Joonmyun said.

Jongin tilted the card a little so that the gold foil caught the lights as he read through the details again. "I'll ask my parents when I get home."

~ ~ ~

The stipulations for attending Joonmyun's party were harsh, but Jongin and Sehun both barely squeaked by with their report cards. Jongin had to make the extra promise that he'd bring everything up by at least a full letter grade next semester before his parents finally gave the okay. He would have agreed to wash the dishes with a toothbrush for a month if that's what it would have taken. At least bringing his grades up had another perk: he could ask Joonmyun for help with studying. The fact that it would probably just be harder for him to study while sitting alone with Joonmyun occurred to him, but there was time to worry about that later.

The night of the party, Jongin was still debating which shirt to wear when he heard the familiar blare of Chanyeol's car horn. His mother called down the hall moments later to tell him his friends were here, and Jongin swore under his breath. Joonmyun had told him to dress informally, that the party was just going to be at his house, but Jongin wanted to look nice. At Chanyeol's second round of honking, Jongin threw the red shirt aside and decided that black was always a safe bet. The red one probably would have gotten him endless teasing all the way to Joonmyun's anyway, as Sehun, Chanyeol and Jongdae all pestered him about who he was trying to impress. He ran futile fingers through dry hair before turning the night over to Fate's hands, and hurried out the door without his coat—a move he regretted as December ripped right through the thin cotton of his shirt.

He was grateful to be the last stop as he slid into the back seat beside Sehun; the car was toasty warm from the heater and the three bodies already in it. He shivered slightly anyway as he took in the others' outfits, immediately feeling overdressed. Still his outfit, the shirt paired with comfortable denim and his cleaner pair of Chucks, earned him a murmured, "You look really hot," directly into his ear as soon as they were on their way. Jongin flashed Sehun a somewhat awkward smirk, embarrassed but also a little guilty because he hoped Joonmyun would think so, too.

"Hey, hey!" Chanyeol shouted from the driver's seat. "No canoodling in my back seat."

Sehun took that as a challenge and slipped an arm around Jongin's shoulders. Jongdae started laughing and decided to play along, sliding a hand into Chanyeol's lap. "What about the front seat, hm?"

"No! No seats! No canoodling! Get your hand off my dick!" Everyone laughed as Chanyeol punched Jongdae in the shoulder, hard enough that there was an audible slap of knuckles against muscle, muffled only a little (and probably not cushioned at all) by Jongdae's hoodie.

"Ow! Go easy! That's my drinkin' arm."

It hadn't occurred to Jongin that there might be alcohol, but he wasn't completely surprised, either. He raised his eyebrows and threw Sehun a look, who merely shrugged with a small pout on his face that told Jongin he figured Joonmyun either knew or should have known better. When they weren't causing trouble for everyone around them, Chanyeol and Jongdae were pretty mellow. It just wasn't Jongin's kind of mellow. He did his best to exclude himself from their extracurriculars after the first time Sehun had begged him to go. He'd learned enough in that one evening to know he'd never understand the appeal of beer pong, and that the only thing worse than the smell of pot was the feeling he got as Chanyeol and Jongdae watched Sehun surreptitiously slip him tongue as he blew smoke into his mouth. At the look on his face, Chanyeol had assured him he was probably just nauseous because it was his first time, and Jongin was happy to let him think that.

When they pulled up to Joonmyun's house, Jongin's eyes went wide. He'd known Joonmyun came from money; that much was easy to ascertain from all of his branded clothes. He'd just never seen such a big house in his life.

"Welcome to Prince Joonmyun's palace," Jongdae said with a snort. He barely waited for Chanyeol to stop before letting himself out. "Pop the trunk."

" _Someone's_ eager," Chanyeol said, but did as he was told. Jongin and Sehun continued to stare out of Jongin's window until Chanyeol opened Sehun's door and said, "I'm not leaving the heat on for you guys, so unless you wanna ring in the new year as Popsicles you better come help."

It was only when he circled around the car that Jongin realised these two had really come prepared to party; the trunk of Chanyeol's car was jam-packed. He wondered if Joonmyun expected that, or if he'd invited them without a clue just because they were friends of Baekhyun's. Jongin only had to carry in one case of beer before a group of five or so guys rushed past him with an enthusiastic shout of "Yeah! Park and Daebak are here!" He decided that Joonmyun had definitely invited them on purpose.

 

Whatever the party had been like before their late ("Fashionably late!" Chanyeol had argued) arrival, Jongin could tell the entire mood changed after it. He wondered how Joonmyun could get away with something like this until Baekhyun started explaining that Joonmyun's parents went away for New Year's every year. They knew he threw a party every year, too, but as long as nobody got arrested and the house was clean by the time they got back on the second, they didn't really care what he did. "Besides, Joon knows not to invite idiots—Yeol and Jongdae notwithstanding."

Baekhyun had had a red plastic cup in his hand all night, but either he nursed it slowly or he held his alcohol really well because his speech didn't show even a hint of a slur. If anything, the alcohol seemed to enliven him, and Baekhyun was always the life of the party regardless. Jongin supposed everyone had their place. "Every party needs a couple of idiots," he replied with a small smirk, making Baekhyun laugh and clap him on the back with his free hand.

Jongin couldn't help feeling like one of those idiots, though, with how disappointed he was that he hadn't gotten to talk to Joonmyun all night. It made sense, he reasoned, because Joonmyun was the host and he was expected to mingle. There were a lot of guests to be mingled with, too; it felt like half the school was invited. He didn't know why he'd expected things were going to go so much differently, like Joonmyun had invited him as deliberately as he'd invited Chanyeol and Jongdae. Like there was a reason for inviting him beyond the fact that they sat together at lunch.

By quarter to midnight, Jongin had long-since given up tracking Joonmyun and kept a distant watch on Sehun instead. As of now, Sehun was lingering in the archway between the dining room and living room, talking with some blond guy who looked like he could be in middle school if he didn't looked so comfortable holding a beer. Rather than envy, Jongin was kind of glad that Sehun seemed so into the guy, even as he threw a couple of anxious glances in Jongin's direction. Jongin flashed him a thumbs-up and Sehun rolled his eyes. Sarcasm switched immediately back into flirting when the guy took him by the elbow, though, and gestured with his head that they should move somewhere quieter. Sehun just bit his lip in that stupid coy way he always used on the girls and followed him without another look back.

"His name is Lu Han," Joonmyun said, startling Jongin enough to make him jump where he sat. "Sorry," he laughed, and Jongin could tell by his smile that he meant it. "He graduated last year, but he's harmless." Then, a little quieter, "I had a really big crush on him my freshman and sophomore years." Jongin took in a breath and watched Joonmyun's face even though Joonmyun was no longer looking at him. He was watching the spot where Lu Han and Sehun had been.

"It's kind of hot in here," Jongin said. That snapped Joonmyun out of it, and he looked down at Jongin thoughtfully. Then he nodded slowly, and Jongin wasn't sure whether it was agreement or understanding. Either way, he took the hand Joonmyun offered, and they both held tight as Joonmyun led them out onto the back deck.

It was a lot colder outside than it had been when he'd left his own house, and Jongin began to shiver almost immediately once they were outside, his breath coming in clouds. Joonmyun, forever in sweaters, stood a little closer than he had to, as if trying to offer body heat. Jongin smiled to himself as Joonmyun leaned against the railing, resting his elbows on the ledge and craning his neck up to stare at the stars. The way his pale skin almost glowed in the darkness brought a lump to Jongin's throat that he couldn't quite swallow. Every time he thought Joonmyun couldn't get any more handsome, he proved him wrong. In the sunlight of the cafeteria, in the flickering fluorescent lights of the hallways, in the moonlight here on his back porch, Joonmyun was the most beautiful person to ever exist. Sometimes Jongin got the urge to reach out and grab his shoulder, as if balling a fist in his shirt would prove that he really was real. The stupid, irrational fear that that would end the illusion of Joonmyun stopped him every time. But it didn't stop him from thinking about the sure angles of his face—the slope of his nose and the curve of his jaw and the arc of his mouth when he smiled—whenever his thoughts strayed.

Jongin wrote private declarations of his love every day, in places Joonmyun would never see. In Algebra, his variables were never _x_ and _y_ but always _j_ and _k_ , which Sehun took as narcissism and he let him. Jongin was happy to quietly treasure their shared initials. His writings for their short story unit in English invariably took place in June. He'd slipped the last one, a bittersweet vignette about a boy leaving his girlfriend behind to go to college, into Joonmyun's locker a month ago, doused in his sister's perfume. His lip had bled from how hard he'd bitten it as he tried to hide his smile when Joonmyun mentioned it at lunch the next day. He said it was the most original love note he'd ever gotten—and the nicest perfume, too. Jongin made a mental note to buy his sister a giant bottle of it for her birthday.

Inside the house, the countdown was beginning, a chorus of voices starting at thirty. Unbidden, Jongin's heart began to race, thumping in his chest so hard he was sure Joonmyun would be able to hear it, even over the chanting. They'd be heading back inside any second now to join the others in counting. Just as well, he figured, because even Joonmyun was shivering now. Jongin shifted just a little closer, so their shoulders were touching, but didn't dare to put his arm around him.

"I'm not just going to abandon all my friends when I graduate, you know," Joonmyun said suddenly. Jongin set his jaw and balled his hands into fists in his trouser pockets. His fingers were already a bit numb from the cold, but this was the first time he'd gotten to see Joonmyun all night; he'd freeze if he had to—anything to keep Joonmyun all to himself for a just little bit longer.

"I hope not."

"I won't," Joonmyun said with a laugh. His lips, starting to purple around the edges from the cold, were pursed in a smirk that knew more than it told when he turned to look at Jongin. "And definitely not you."

Jongin wanted to break their gaze but couldn't quite do it. He bit down hard into his lip instead and immediately wished he hadn't. The dry air had sucked all the moisture from his skin already. Any harder and he might have drawn blood.

_5...4...3...2..._

Kissing Joonmyun was nothing like kissing Sehun. There was no spit and the tongue that came was careful and coaxing. Warm hands cupped his cold face and his own reached up to grab a shirt he was finally brave enough to hold onto. Jongin was sure he tasted like cola, but Joonmyun did too, so maybe it was all right. It must have been because the kiss lasted through all of the cheering. Jongin's ears were thundering so loudly with the sound of his own pulse that he couldn't even tell the difference. For all he knew time had stopped at midnight, January first, and for all he cared it could stay that way. Joonmyun's mouth was so soft on his, expert but not demanding. He could almost forget about how cold it was...

"Happy—"

Jongin broke the kiss instantly with a small gasp for air, and turned to look at Sehun, mouth wet and red, both with the thrill of finally getting what he'd wanted and the guilt of getting caught. "Happy new year," Sehun finished flatly, and then hurried back into the house.

Jongin looked at Joonmyun, not yet sure what he was going to fumble out for an excuse, but Joonmyun didn't need to hear it. "Go on," he said, looking just as ashamed as Jongin felt.

~ ~ ~

Jongin let the first week of the new semester go by without making much of an effort to talk to Sehun. He'd found him quickly after he'd run off at the party: in the living room, draped across Lu Han's lap. Jongin hadn't even tried to explain anything then. The obscene way Lu Han's hands were crawling up Sehun's shirt were enough to get him to turn around and march straight into the kitchen—where he found Chanyeol with his head in the fridge. It had been obvious even before he turned a glassy-eyed stare at him that he was too out of his mind to drive, and Jongin, angry and confused and frustrated, left the kitchen wordlessly. Baekhyun caught him at the front door just in time and offered to drive him home. He'd even performed an impromptu sobriety test to reassure Jongin he was more than capable—but also in a failed attempt to lighten his mood.

A week was the absolute longest Jongin had ever gone without speaking to Sehun, though, and that had been two summers ago, when his mother had allowed him to go to a week-long dance camp retreat. (The following summer, on the same retreat, Jongin finally had a cell phone and texted Sehun every day.) He didn't want to set a new record now—or ever—and so, on day seven, he made the long, frozen trek to Sehun's house. His mother had offered to drive him over, but Jongin had wanted the extra time to think about what he was going to say. But it didn't help and, fifteen minutes later, his only rewards were a runny nose and a scratchy throat, which Sehun's mother tried to remedy with a mug of cocoa. "He's in his room," she said as she passed him a second mug for Sehun. Jongin took it even though he doubted Sehun would touch it. The relief in her voice and on her face was too much to say no to.

"Thank you," Jongin said, as much for the cocoa as the encouragement, before carefully heading upstairs.

Even standing on the precipice, Jongin had no idea what to say, but he knocked lightly on the bottom of Sehun's bedroom door with his foot anyway.

"I'm not hungry, Mom."

"It's me."

The extended silence ruined any appetite Jongin might have had, too, but eventually he heard the creak of Sehun's bed frame, and the shuffle of his feet over the floor. When he opened the door, his face was unreadable. "Did she ask you to come over?"

"No. I came over because I wanted to."

Sehun eyed the cocoa, then sized Jongin up one last time before stepping aside. "She thought you might like some," Jongin said, gesturing toward Sehun with one of the mugs.

"I don't," Sehun said as he shut the door behind them.

"All right." Jongin crossed the room and set one mug down on the nightstand so he could cup the other with both still-frozen hands. He watched Sehun stretch out on the bed again, and took that as an invitation to remain standing. "How've you been?"

"Shitty."

Jongin chewed his lip. His hands started to tingle from the heat of the mug.

"How's your boyfriend?" Sehun said with more resolution than venom. Somehow, it hurt worse that way.

"He's not my boyfriend, Sehun."

"That's not what it looked like."

"Everyone kisses at midnight."

"Why him and not _me_?"

"I didn't know where you were. You went off with—"

"I looked for you."

Jongin bit his tongue before he could call bullshit. He didn't know whether he wanted to believe Sehun or not, but he was sure he didn't want to argue.

"So how was it?" Sehun asked and this time it was barbed.

Jongin hesitated. "It was...a kiss."

"Your face was all red."

"It was cold out."

"You looked embarrassed."

"You walked in on us."

"So you _were_ embarrassed."

"Because _you walked in on us_."

"But if it was just a kiss why should you be embarrassed at all, even if someone walks in on you?"

Jongin set his mug down, untouched, beside Sehun's. His face was warm, but his hands still burned a bit hotter as he folded his arms across his chest. "I liked it, okay? Is that what you want to hear?"

"Was he better than me?"

"It's different with you."

"Why? What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's— _wrong_ with you."

"Is it because he's older?"

"No..."

"Then _what_?"

"How the hell do I know, Sehun? It's just _different_ , all right?"

Jongin hadn't realised they were shouting until he heard Sehun's mother calling up the stairs, asking if everything was all right. Sehun ignored her and rolled away from him, curling in on himself. His voice was soft and thick when he said, "Go home, Jongin."

~ ~ ~

A month dragged by. Jongin didn't try again to talk to him after Sehun sent him away, choosing instead to wrap himself up in homework and studying. The result, for all it was worth, was that his grades were steadily improving and his parents were happy. He kept up appearances by still going out often, but regretted it more often than not. Conversation with Baekhyun and Joonmyun invariably turned into _so what's up with Sehun?_ Baekhyun sometimes got vague answers from Chanyeol and Jongdae, but they didn't seem to know either—admittedly because they didn't bother to ask.

"He talks about Lu Han a lot," Baekhyun had reported, barely remembering to swallow the bite of his sandwich first. "But Jongdae says it's a lot of smoke. No pun intended," he added with a weak laugh.

Joonmyun had frowned while Jongin traced a spork through his peas.

 

That Friday, Jongin called Sehun but got his voicemail. He called twice more, back-to-back, before admitting that Sehun was ignoring his calls. So Jongin called Joonmyun instead.

"Are you busy tomorrow?"

"Are you asking me on a date?"

"What?"

"Tomorrow is Valentine's Day."

"O-oh...no." Jongin fell silent, and a moment later Joonmyun laughed warmly.

"I'll pick you up around eleven?"

"Twelve is better."

"All right, sleepyhead."

 

Joonmyun showed up exactly at noon, and Jongin was still asleep. His mother came to knock on his door and wake him, but it took several disoriented minutes and the phrase "your friend Joonmyun is here" before Jongin remembered what day it was. He swore first at his blankets for holding him back, and then at a cowlick he couldn't tame. He gave up and greeted Joonmyun in a pair of fitted jeans and a hoodie. Of course, Joonmyun was in a sweater and slacks, so Jongin tried to run back to his room change, but Joonmyun simply took him by the wrist and dragged him into the bathroom to run a wet comb through his bedhead. He bid Jongin's mother a literal _adieu_ when they left.

"Were you flirting with my mom?" Jongin asked as Joonmyun backed out of the driveway.

"What can I say? I like older women."

Jongin rolled his eyes and turned his smile towards the window. Just being with Joonmyun somehow made everything lighter. The world could be ending, but as long as he could spend it with Joonmyun, Jongin thought it might be okay. He didn't think about how it already sort of felt like things were ending because he hadn't really talked to his best friend in a month and a half.

Joonmyun took Jongin back to his house for lunch, where he inexpertly assembled sandwiches made of last night's leftover chicken. Jongin met Joonmyun's parents, who were both just as good-looking as he. It surprised him in an admittedly stupid sort of way. They sneaked the sandwiches upstairs to Joonmyun's bedroom with a whispered warning that his mother would throw a fit if she found a single crumb in the hallway. Jongin didn't believe it for a second, but he played along anyway because it made them both smile.

When they were finally alone, the pair of them side-by-side on Joonmyun's bed and the door shut tight, Jongin didn't waste any more time. Joonmyun took his first bite as Jongin began to speak, but after that Jongin's eyes closed. He didn't want to get distracted by the fact that he was in Joonmyun's room for the very first time, especially because this certainly wasn't how he'd always hoped that first time would go. He admitted to everything—to the weird games Sehun had started when they were ten and eleven that only started to make sense last summer, when Sehun kissed him for the first time and popped a boner; to the way Sehun kept trying to steal _more_ kisses no matter where they were, like the time in Chanyeol's basement when he tried pot for the first (and only) time; to the way they'd watch porn together sometimes and Sehun would touch his thigh when he was just about to come. To the way not talking to Sehun was eating at him, and how being pushed away the last time he tried scared him so much that he hadn't gotten the guts to try again.

When he finally finished and opened his eyes, Joonmyun's sandwich was gone.

"You need to talk to him, though. Eventually."

"Why me? He's the one—"

"That's why," Joonmyun said gently. The arm he slipped around Jongin's waist was warm and solid. "Because he's the one who's too angry to notice how much you're hurting, too." Jongin searched Joonmyun's face, and thought he saw something else in it besides sympathy. "Eat up. Afterwards we'll go do something fun."

When Joonmyun sneaked an open-mouthed kiss before they went back downstairs to leave, Jongin was self-conscious of the way Joonmyun tasted like mayonnaise and pepper because he knew he must taste like it, too. But if Joonmyun cared, he didn't complain, and so neither did Jongin. Anyway, there wasn't much to complain about when Joonmyun was kissing him.

 

Jongin called Sehun again that night, and this time he left a voicemail.

~ ~ ~

By Monday, Sehun still hadn't returned Jongin's call. He was also conspicuously absent. Baekhyun offered to drop him off at Sehun's after school, suggesting he bring his missed assignments instead of admitting the fact that he was anxious about it, too. Jongin assured Baekhyun that Sehun was probably just sick, and Baekhyun politely agreed, "Ah, true. It's that time of year."

Sehun's mother was glad to see Jongin at her door that afternoon. She waved to Baekhyun as he drove off, smiling when he honked twice in response. Jongin declined her offer of cocoa and headed straight upstairs.

He didn't knock, but was a little surprised that the door was unlocked when he tried it. Sehun lay supine on his bed, eyes open and staring at the ceiling. Dropping his backpack by the door, Jongin pushed it shut and went to the bed, taking a seat by Sehun's knees. "You're not sick are you?"

Sehun said nothing. Jongin put a hand on his leg, and smiled softly when Sehun slapped it away. "Go home, Jongin."

"I brought your homework."

"Thank you. Goodbye."

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me."

"I don't have anything to say to you."

"Bullshit."

"Fuck you."

Jongin let the words hang for a few moments before putting his hand on Sehun's leg again. "Liar. That's something you wanted to say to me."

"Why don't you just leave me alone already!"

Jongin flinched, then gingerly pulled his hand away. His attempt at normalcy was not being as well-received as he'd hoped. As if to underscore the failure, Sehun sat up, his cheeks a livid pink. "Sehun—"

" _No._ No. I'm sick to death of watching you and your perfect boyfriend in the hall—"

" _He's not my boyfriend._ "

"I've seen the way he looks at you, Jongin. I'm not blind, and I'm not stupid." Jongin swallowed at the lump in his throat as Sehun wiped furiously at the first couple of tears. "I'm definitely not blind," he repeated quietly. "But I'm really fucking stupid."

Jongin bit his lip. He knew what he'd usually do, what he'd always do whenever Sehun got this worked up, but he wasn't sure Sehun would let him now. He tried anyway, slipping a slow arm around Sehun's shoulders. Sehun sobbed once before burying his face in Jongin's shoulder. Jongin's second arm was much quicker.

"It's not fair," Sehun said, voice muffled by tears and clothes and muscle but the words clear as day. "I liked you first."

Jongin brought a hand up to rest gently on the back of Sehun's head, but said nothing. He couldn't argue what was true; Sehun had liked him first and apparently for such a long time that he hadn't even noticed. They were close, so he'd thought nothing of what they did, while Sehun had thought everything of the way Jongin never said _stop_. He didn't tell him to stop now, either, waiting for Sehun's sobs to ebb on their own and his grip on Jongin's shirt to loosen.

When Sehun finally sat up again his eyes and face were red. Jongin instinctively grabbed the tissues from the nightstand, and Sehun gratefully took a couple to blow his nose. "I'm such a loser."

"Well, yeah," Jongin said, and Sehun almost laughed. "But you're also my best friend. Which means I'm a loser by association."

Sehun only gave a wan smile at that, but leaned back into Jongin a few moments later, wrapping one arm around his middle. He started wiping at his face with his sleeve, and Jongin forced a fresh tissue into his free hand. "He has a boyfriend," he said softly. "Lu Han." Sehun laid his head on Jongin's shoulder. "I found out on Valentine's Day when I called and his butt answered while they were making out."

"Baekhyun says he's kind of a slime ball like that." Jongin was outright lying, but it seemed like the thing to do.

"Yeah, well, he's a gorgeous slime ball."

"They always are, aren't they?"

Sehun huffed a sigh. "Joonmyun's not a slime ball."

"...No. He's all right."

"He's _more_ than 'all right.'"

"Let's not talk about him right now." Jongin gave Sehun a tight squeeze around the shoulders, which Sehun eagerly gave back to Jongin's ribs.

"If he asks you out, tell him yes."

"Sehun."

"But keep your kissing to yourself."

Jongin had to laugh a little at that in amusement and slight exasperation. "All right."

"But either way, he's not invited to my birthday party."

"Not even if he buys you the most expensive present?"

"...I guess that's all right." They both laughed then, and Jongin gave a small sigh of relief as it died down. "Jongin?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you love him?"

It was too soon for tension to creep back into his muscles, but it came anyway. Love was complicated enough, and Sehun's question felt loaded. His first instinct was to say _yes_. He could have coupled it with some clumsy description of how he felt whenever he was with Joonmyun, how it was sort of like how books and movies said it was supposed to be, but not exactly. That only made him feel like it couldn't possibly be love, though, so he said, "I don't know."

Sehun tilted his head so his cheek was pressed firmly into Jongin's shoulder, his hair tickling the side of his neck. His hold around his middle shifted so he could tug Jongin a little bit closer. "Okay."

Jongin's stomach did a somersault.

It was still different from the way it flipped around Joonmyun.


End file.
